• Good Hunter

Guinea-pig: The heat death of the universe

Updated: Jan 7, 2019

Steam does house a lot of terrible games, doesn’t it? Well it is common knowledge at this point sadly. There is bad, and then there is really, really bad stuff out there. This one falls into the latter. It made me go to places in my mind that I really did not want to visit. This thing, this horrid piece of shit reminded me of a dark part of me that I really did not want to return to. Let’s get this over with.



Why is it called Guinea-pig? It is a rabbit...

Guinea-pig has no story; it has no beginning, middle or end. You do a series of mind numbingly boring challenges that just start and stop. Much like that awaits most of our lives. A series of events that stop and start in the most anti-climatic way humanly possible, nothing most of us will do will have any/if at all long lasting impact. Most of us will be stuck in meaningless jobs that numb minds into miserable self acceptance. Much like this game not having a tutorial and leaving you clueless to what is happening or what you are meant to do. You will be left alone expecting to figure stuff out on your own but no one cares enough to help you through life. No one cares about you enough to help you through your life and you have to struggle to get by in your meaningless existence.



Looks great doesn't it?!

The level design is repetitive and dull, a mishmash of floating platforms that is basic and uninteresting. Much like the life most of us will experience, we will not always get the jobs and lives we want, life will not always be kind. You have to collect pills that look like they are from an entirely different game because of reasons. Those pills you have to collect will reflect on the inevitable landslide of pills you will have to take for reasons that escape your drug addled mind, is it to deal with the stress that your terrible job or is it to escape the nightmare that is your life? The only things that ‘kill’ you are mushrooms that look from a different game, and spikes that also look like they are from a different game, they are one hit kills that put the rabbit (not a guinea-pig) to sleep insuring you have to start the level over again not understanding why because the game refuses to help you, much like real life and it’s blatant lies people tell you and the total lack of willingness to understand one another for the easy lazy alternative.


The graphics are simple and shoddy as if all of the assists were pulled from the asset store and put together haphazardly, the backgrounds look like a decent MS painting but is as dull as humanly possible, no imagination, imagination is not rewarded in high risk industries and it will make sure all creativity is stamped out of you should you ever enter.



Entertainment...


The game runs fine, except for the fact that sometimes platforms glitch out and you fall though them having to start the process over again. Much like every lost dream, every false hope that appears so real at first just gives way underneath us. There is no sound in this game, like at all. No music and no audio visual feedback for the mushrooms and spikes. You don’t even stop moving as the bunny falls asleep.


Silence.....


Just silence.....


Just oppressive nothingness, to listen to the beating of your heart, your mind swirling at the worthlessness of humanity, your mind straining under the boredom of everything. The hatred towards your fellow human beings, you know nothing matters anymore....


Nothing matters when playing this game.....


Do not play this game....


This game is in the Good Hunter Hall of Infamy.



Fuck this game

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