Nintendo accidentally destroys western civilization: A breaking news report
Fears of western civilization collapsing, have been on the mind of many a weirdo throughout history. However none of them could have predicted that the implosion could have come from outside America. But also from a video game publisher.
However, as of 01/04/2020. Nintendo officially revealed that Tom Nook, the greedy Bourgeoisie raccoons, who torments player with the painful reminder that death and taxes are the only certainties in life, has been officially confirmed as a non binary homosexual.
In the latest update to the beloved entry of the Animal Crossing series (Animal Crossing: New Horizons) , Tom Nook has been turned into a horrific parody of a non binary gay man raccoon. When the update came into effect, no more than a few hours ago, social media and riots flared up in Alabama. As a result, the USA has been forced to declare a state of emergency.
I reached out to Nintendo CEO, Shuntaro Furukawa for his thoughts on the matter. He was confused at the response and outcome. “We were just trying to look good on social media.” He said while scratching his head. “How were we to know it would cause the state of Alabama (writer’s note: the heart of western civilization) to melt down? We were just appealing to Twitter followers.” A moment of introspection hit him in that moment, his eyes started to bulge and he muttered. “OH shit we fucked up there.”
After the interview, Mr Furukawa posted a Tweet promising to supply a single amiibo to the state of Alabama, as an apology for destroying western civilization (which you can get right now for $59.99). I will keep you updated as the riots spread to the rest of Alabama.
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01/04/2020-Edit: Improvements to punctuation.